Dependence

I suppose that in many ways I depend on other people; we now live in a society which has specialists. So I need other people to grow food  and bring it near to where I live, to supply power and so forth.


But do I depend on people for my happiness? If so, that means I am depending on somebody else for my mental and emotional well-being? psychologically. And that involves just a short step for my believing I need them. Which is probably when I start demanding that they make me feel better about myself and keep me happy. A situation like this is the perfect place for fear to step in -  and in my relationships the two big fears have been of loss and of rejection. When I was looking at some of my feelings about my past, I claimed that my mother had (on one occasion) abandoned me. My spiritual guide at the time asked "Where did she leave you then?" I had no answer because a threat to have me committed to a home for misbehaviour had grown in my head to an idea of abandonment. I was digging into feelings of resentment and, after much prompting for the truth, I realised that I believed my mother hadn't loved me enough. There was no evidence to support that idea (but much to prove the opposite) but my dependence had created a neediness which in turn had created dissatisfaction then anger and then resentment.


My being unhappy - miserable even - is so often a result of "me" making my happiness dependent on some thing or person. "Me" has old habits; and when they come into play they cease to be old but "me" prefers to think that the bad stuff - the  defects of character - are still in the past.


Unconditional love transcends any idea of being dependent: it drives out fear. Love of another cannot take away what is lacking; nor can relationships with others. If I'm lonely, you might make me forget my loneliness for a while. But it returns when the object of my love is no longer there. If I'm empty inside, no person or relationship will ever fill the void. It might appear to for a short time, but left on my own again the emptiness returns.


The clue to success with relationships is in the word unconditional. I need to be in relationship with others that makes no demands on them or on their behaviour - that allows them the freedom to be themselves and to take part in our relationship on their terms. I find happiness in that time together that isn't controlled or demanding and in the memories of them. In none of this can jealousy or neediness be a factor.