Pay attention to yourself

There is a story told about the Desert Fathers (courtesy of The Spirituality of Imperfection) when called in to give judgement on a hermit who had smuggled a woman into his cell as a mistress. Others had complained and the Abba (Father) came with other monks to search the hermit's cell. Hearing of this the hermit hid the woman in a large barrel. The Abba realised the woman was in the barrel so went and sat on it, instructing the other monks to search the cell thoroughly. When the monks who had accused the hermit of immorality found nothing they left, very apologetic. On his way out the Abba took the hermit aside and whispered to him "Brother, pay attention to yourself."


This is not a comment on the hermit's actions but rather concern about his attitude of carelessness, of not facing up to what he was doing, of not being truthful with himself. What we do is important but what we are is fundamental.


We need to be challenged to wake us from our sleepwalking through life. This can come from other people - being of real help by challenging our ideas about ourselves. If we are in a frame of mind that allows us to be challenged and to learn about ourselves, then we can benefit from watching ourselves. This isn't to say we have to study ourselves - that can lead to self-absorption, which leads back to a sleepwalking state - but rather that we watch. And we watch everything in ourselves - our actions, our thoughts and our feelings.


If we can, we watch with a detachment, as if we are watching some other person. So it doesn't become personalised and we don't identify with what may be going on. 


As far as I know, there is no technique involved or specific method, no clever trick. If you find yourself using a technique stop - it will lead back to the sleepwalking you're trying to escape from. We watch and we don't try to fix what we see.


The danger in self-observation is becoming identified with what we find. We need to detach from feelings. Here's an exercise found in Psychosynthesis:


In a quiet relaxed state, say to yourself:

I have a body, but I am more than my body. I am the one who is aware: the self, the center. My body may be rested or tired, active or inactive, but I remain the same, the observer at the center of all my experience. I am aware of my body, but I am more than my body.
I have emotions, but I am more than my emotions. Whether I feel excited or dull, I recognize that I am not changing. I have emotions, but I am more than my emotions.
I have a mind, but I am more than my mind. Regardless of my thoughts and regardless of how my beliefs have changed over the years, I remain the one who is aware, the one who chooses, the one who directs my thinking process. I have a mind, but I am more than that.

An exercise such as this can stop us becoming too identified with negative feelings and emotions. So rather than saying "I am depressed" we can say "I am experiencing depression right now." Equally, we cannot say "I am ecstatically happy" either.


It is crucial that we don't evaluate what we find. What happens is that we begin to understand ourselves and we start to change. But if we make the mistake of judging, we apply labels and they hide the truth. We have no aim, other than to watch.

"The unaware life is not worth living" Socrates