Hell is other people

Or is it? 


I read this quote the "wrong" way for a considerable time. Sartre explained about the quote from his play: "It has been thought that what I meant by that was that our relations with other people are always poisoned, that they are invariably hellish relations. But what I really mean is something totally different. I mean that if relations with someone else are twisted, vitiated, then that other person can only be hell."


Something was said to me about my drinking problem when I sought to justify it. I claimed I drank because my life was so shitty; it was pointed out to me that it was more likely that my life was shitty because I drank.


With this perspective, we have something to learn from. Because if other people are my problem, then I will always have a problem, simply because I have no power over other people. But if I am the problem, then there is a chance I can do something about it because I am not completely powerless over myself - although I had to concede I needed a great deal of help.


The "problem" that other people present can be readily understood by accepting our own faults. If we go round trying to get what we want to make ourselves happy,sooner or later we  become a "problem" for others who get in our way. Maybe, the reality is that other people are just doing the same as us - trying to make themselves happy. (The Dalai Lama has no resentment over China invading his country and forcing him into exile; he said that they were just trying to find happiness their way.) And - inevitably - they will stand on our toes and become the source of unhappiness for us.


There is a take on this I like from the Brahma Kumaris which likens our lives to a play where we are each acting out a script written by God. So when you do something to annoy me I should just accept that this is your role in my life; so there is no point in being angry.


Each time we are tempted to complain about other people and their behaviour, we can ask ourselves why we expected anything better. Because we are dealing with selfish people - just as we are selfish - so we should have expected the worst. (Expect the worst and you'll never know disappointment is a quote from Peter Wastholm - so famous he doesn't have a Wikipedia entry.) When we expect the worst, we are never let down, we never feel rejection.


To be happy and free of other people, we have to drop false ideas of them and to lower our expectations of them. That is not possible until we drop our false ideas of ourselves and become more realistic about what we are - to see through ourselves, if you like. 


Other people can also give me "problems" with their opinions of me. I despair sometimes at the amount of time I have wasted trying to get other people to like me or think well of me. It is not what they do that is the problem, it's what can I do with what they have done. I can use other people to foster the belief system that tells me that I'm OK and that I'm getting along fine. I can also use their opinions to bully myself for being a failure and to be miserable because I am failing.


Better that I don't become dependent on other's opinion of me and that I don't build my self-esteem on their views and opinions. This isn't to say that people don't matter to me but rather that what they may think of me shouldn't matter. If I want reality rather than illusion, my view of myself needs to come from me, from within.


As a footnote, I have always bridled against the idea expressed as I'm OK: You're OK I have found self-affirmation to be a waste of time as it isn't my ego that needs bolstering, it's my spirit. And I have no useful opinion on you. The temptation is strong to write a book with the title I'm a shit: You're a shit which experience suggests is not only closer to the truth but is also much more useful to both of us.