Take a good look at yourself

When you look at yourself, what do you see? I used to see a generous, friendly person, kind and thoughtful with occasional fits of bad-temper. I was forced (by the AA Twelve Step program) to take a long hard look at myself. Why, I asked myself. There was nothing wrong with me.


Oh, but there was. There was a lifetime of selfishness and dishonesty. And I learned that carrying this with me was blocking me off from the sunlight of the spirit. And I was blocked off from my defects because I had learned to live in self-delusion. I had kidded myself I was OK when the reverse was true.


Only yesterday , highlighting the change in me, I wrote to somebody: "These less important things included laziness and procrastination when I thought I had better things to do, looking down with contempt on people who were trying to help, lying to ... people I wanted to impress, refusing to do service when I felt it was beneath me. And many more, my story ... contains more mistakes than right choices because of my arrogance." I'm comfortable today at describing myself that way it's the truth, after all. And I'm comfortable that these are not old habits; when I do them now, it stops them being old.


Anthony de Mello in Awareness, highlights this problem of self-delusion as being a major barrier - a block even - to significant spiritual progress. And he unpicks charity as an example.


So how selfish are you?  There are two types of selfishness: do something for your own pleasure is more obvious as taking pleasure from doing something for others. The self-seeking is obvious in the first example but still there in the second. 


So acts of generosity where we derive pleasure from the act itself are still selfish. And, boy, does this sweep up a lot of my generous acts. I do voluntary work, but I gain enormous pleasure from it and it improves my self-esteem. Even giving money to charity addresses my need to be needed - makes me more important in my own eyes. I mentor people but, because I benefit from it too, you could say I need to do that - so it becomes enlightened self-interest. Selfish again.


Maybe I can do something that helps others, where I'm the only one who knows that I've done it. Better - but am I still getting something out of it? Is my pride affected?


The tough question to ask myself is: How many opportunities to help somebody or to be useful have I passed up on or just plain missed today? Watch yourself for an hour or so and be prepared for a surprise.


There's a third type of selfishness: that's doing something for others to avoid feeling bad, which probably sweeps in a whole load of seemingly self-less acts.


Now, this isn't to say that there is no way of acting without self. Clearly there is, but it seems they are few and far between. More important that we are eager to credit ourselves with self-less acts when the opposite was true.


This principle applied to every area of my life and it became obvious that I was defective in every area of my life. I had created a belief system about myself that wouldn't allow in any criticism. And until, I could hear the criticism and accept it as the truth, I was blocked.


The only way I found through the block was to look at myself and watch myself. The advice which I have found wherever I looked is: Pay attention to yourself and you will quickly see your defects.